|
Top Ten Jokes |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Polish know-how about traffic |
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it".
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.
So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane." |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Australian football fan |
Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Its OK ..."
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral" |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Lightbulb joke collection 63 |
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
|
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Chemical analysis of human elements |
Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Forty years of marriage |
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th
birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been
such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted
for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished
for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... the wife had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband''s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish
he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart''s desire.
He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I''d like to have a woman 30
years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! ... he was 90 years old. |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
The alcohol trouble |
During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:
The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.
During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that's going?
I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..." just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!
|
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Jokes of science 02 |
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows)." In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace in this region".
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me".
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even."
After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof. The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color. The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference? One cat has a greater mew.
French physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed cats couldn't enter or exit the room. So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for the big cat, and one small for the small cat.
A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: "Ill half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and youre not allowed to stand up." the mathematician runs away, yelling: "in that case, Ill never get to this woman!". After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: "but youll never get to this woman?", the physicists tells him: "sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation."
There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."
|
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Earth science answers |
REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS
The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.
Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.
The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.
We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.
Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.
The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.
We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.
The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
|
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
Why isn"t gambling allowed in Africa? |
Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs. |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
What costume? |
A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.
The wife says, "how about Hanzel and Gretel?"
Nah...they were white, her husband replied.
Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?
No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!
So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.
So he thinks a bit and then pops up - " I got it! ".
We'll go as Heshey Bars!
"Heshey bars?" replies his wife..."are you nuts!"
Exactly! One with nuts, and one without! |
Email this joke to your friends.......
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
