Having a very bad day
|You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Good to be French
|Top reasons why it's great to be French
- Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
- If there's a war you can surrender really early
- You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
- You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
- People think you're a great lover even when you're not
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
|You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Dogs not on computers
|Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
- Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
- Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
- Too Hard To Type With Paws.
Bad hostage negotiator
|Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
- Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
- Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
- Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
- Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
- Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
- Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
- Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
- Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
- Forget your gun at home.
- Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
- Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
- Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
- When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
- When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
- Show up stoned and do anything at all.
- When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
- Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
- Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
- Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
- Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
- When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
|From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
You're a bad customer
|You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
- You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
- You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
- You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
- You return the coffee because it's too hot.
- You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
- You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
- You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
- If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
- You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
- You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
- You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
- While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
- You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
- You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
- You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
Bad to say at funerals
|Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
- Geez, what died in here?
- He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
- Nice service...where's the keg?
- When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
- Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
- Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
- You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
- Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
|10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Top ten error messages
|The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought
- "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
- "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
- "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
- "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
- "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
- "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
- "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
- "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
- "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
- "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"