One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing.

The first one came in.

"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.

"Sorry, miss," he said. "I''ve been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the second pupil came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I''ve been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the third one came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I''ve been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.

"I suppose you''ve been up Penny Lane, too, then?"

"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean.”

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn''t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days.

After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.

The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)

… A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without even so much as a look back.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks.
As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?”

“Oh, good heavens no” the man replies, “I work for the IRS”

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

To:All Staff
Cc:
From:Management
RE:Early Retirement

Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give all the SHIT you can handle.

After a long career in teaching, you have finally reached that magical year when you are about to retire. As the year flies along, you begin to notice changes in and around you that signal to everyone that you must be a retiree-to-be and retirement weeks away!

You know you’re a retiree-to-be when…
Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, “Oh! Stop smiling!”
You get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you’re buying books you won’t need next year.
Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.
You find yourself saying, “Yes!” whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.
The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building- including the cafeteria.
You get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don’t have anything to copy.
The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are, and you just smile.
The principal comes in for the final observation of the year, and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games, and a visit from Frankie the clown.
You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.
You respond to every new initiative with, “Been there! Done that!”
When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, “My son is hoping to get you next year,” you just smile!
On your way to the parking lot, you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead.
Other staff members complain that they can’t get into the rest room because you’re always in there, laughing hysterically.
Behind you, as you’re driving out of the parking lot, you hear the faint ringing of the dismissal bell.
Your final comments on the June report card are, “Bye!”

There is always a creative (and permanent) solution to any problem:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”

Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”

The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”