Just a Quick E-mail Note

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

 It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

 â€�My daddy got me a Bow-Wow,â€� she said.

 The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ……..

 â€�My dad got me a dog,â€� she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
“I got a choo-choo!�

 The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
“I got an electric train!!�

 That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
“I got a book�
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
“What was the title of the book??�

 The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

 â€�Winnie The Sh*t!!

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He
wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was a lot of
work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I
know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.

That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?�

“Sand,� answers the young man.

The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sand bags.

A day later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, “What have you got?�

“Sand,� says the young man.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sand bags.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, the young man no longer appears at the border crossing. Many months go by and the border guard sees the young man in a cafe.

“Hey,� says the guard, “For three years you were smuggling something through my crossing station. It’s driving me crazy. Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?�

The young man sips his coffee and says, “Bicycles.�

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.